Domer Caregiver Stories

12:00 PM ET Fri., Mar. 14, 2025

Listen in to a conversation with LisaMarie Collins ‘07 J.D., Ray Fraser ‘19 MBA, Black Alumni Board Student Relations Director, Francesca Milles-Dave ’01, and moderator LaDawn Burnett ‘12 J.D., Black Alumni Board Alumni Relations Director, about the joys and challenges of caregiving for our loved ones, through all the ages and stages.

As our society faces the emotional, financial, professional, and spiritual pressures of caring for aging or sick parents, spouses, young children or other loved ones, many in our Notre Dame community may need support and practical advice.

Join the Black Alumni of Notre Dame for Caregiving with Dignity to:

hear Domer caregiver stories,
gain insight on caregiver mental health and wellness issues,
get tips on financial and legal issues to consider when creating a caregiving plan for your loved one or yourself,
navigate cultural concerns around making challenging care decisions,
explore how to preserve generational family history and wisdom, and
learn how to develop an all-hands-on-deck/nobody-left-out family caregiver approach.

Caregiving is one of the most personal and most demanding responsibilities a person can carry—and one of the least openly discussed. In this intimate, grounded, and deeply insightful panel hosted by the Black Alumni of Notre Dame, three alumni caregivers opened up about the emotional, financial, spiritual, and cultural terrain of caring for loved ones through illness, aging, and disability.

Moderator LaDawn Burnett guided the panel with clarity and care, prompting the speakers to reflect on their own caregiving stories while also drawing out practical lessons for others navigating similar paths. Each speaker—LisaMarie Collins, Ray Fraser, and Francesca Mills Day—spoke from personal experience, representing different ages, geographies, and family structures. Yet they echoed one another on one central truth: caregiving is not a task to be managed—it’s an identity that reorders every part of your life.

LisaMarie shared the financial realities and logistical burdens of long-term care, particularly when systems fall short. Francesca revealed the emotional complexity of caring for a parent when old wounds remain unhealed, and Ray emphasized the need for boundaries and the permission to feel everything—grief, guilt, fatigue, and love—at once. They all underscored the power of community, the role of faith, and the importance of early planning for those not yet in caregiving roles.

What made this conversation powerful wasn’t just its honesty—it was its practicality. The panelists offered real tools: speak early about finances and medical directives; build a care team that includes friends, not just family; normalize mental health support for caregivers; and let go of the pressure to be everything to everyone. Most of all, they gave permission—to rest, to say no, to ask for help, and to be human.

The conversation affirmed that caregiving, at its best, is not martyrdom. It is love. But love requires structure, honesty, and support to be sustainable. For those in the thick of it—and those who will be—this conversation was a blueprint for care rooted in dignity, resilience, and truth.

Redefining the Role | [00:08:30 → 00:10:15]
Caregiving reverses the parent-child relationship. You become the advocate, the medical proxy, the planner—while still holding space for tenderness and memory.

Invisible Weight | [00:14:50 → 00:16:30]
The stress isn’t always visible. Caregivers carry anticipatory grief, logistical chaos, and emotional fatigue that others often miss or dismiss.

Financial Urgency | [00:19:00 → 00:21:15]
Medical crises demand more than compassion—they demand cash. Panelists urged early planning for long-term care, insurance, and legal authority.

Boundaries and Survival | [00:23:40 → 00:25:20]
Love doesn’t erase history. Especially when caring for difficult or distant relatives, emotional boundaries are not a luxury—they’re a necessity.

Chosen Family as Lifeline | [00:28:00 → 00:29:30]
Support doesn’t always come from where you expect. Strangers become anchors. Friends become family. Community becomes the difference between breaking and bending.

Role Reversal: “I wasn’t just her daughter anymore—I was her nurse, her manager, her lifeline. And I had to fight to reclaim just being her daughter again.”
— Francesca Mills Day [00:08:45 → 00:09:00]
Quiet Grief: “It’s not the tasks—it’s the loss. You’re watching someone disappear while still alive. That’s a heartbreak nobody prepares you for.”
— LisaMarie Collins [00:14:55 → 00:15:10]
Cost of Care: “People assume Medicare handles it. It doesn’t. Memory care is $6,000 a month. In-home care? $600 a day. Start the conversations now.”
— LisaMarie Collins [00:19:05 → 00:19:20]
Boundaried Love: “Caregiving doesn’t cancel pain. You can show up and still protect yourself. That’s not betrayal. That’s survival.”
— Ray Fraser [00:23:45 → 00:24:00]
Unexpected Lifeline: “She was a stranger I met in a hospital hallway. Now she’s the one I call when I can’t breathe. That’s what God sends sometimes.”
— Francesca Mills Day [00:28:10 → 00:28:25]
Spiritual Clarity: “We pray, ‘God, use me’—then get mad when He does. But that’s the work. That’s the assignment.”
— Francesca Mills Day [00:32:15 → 00:32:30]

Domer Caregiver Stories

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